On being judgemental
So, this weekend I spoke to two new suitors.
The first was an investment banker, of the same ethnic origin, living in relatively close proximity to myself and looking for a serious relationship. So far, so good. That is, until I found out that he is 39 years old and recently divorced ,after separating from his wife at the age of 37. On hearing these two pieces of information, my flame of initial interest was immediately extinguished. Without meeting this man in person my mind had decided that he is no good and not to be pursued any further.
Onto number two.
Again, we share the same ethnicity and this time, similar age. My parents would say that's a good start. After exchanging text messages it became clear to me that his spelling and grammar leave a lot to be desired, but in an effort to overcome the snob in me, I agreed to chat. We spoke on the phone, he was friendly enough and easy to talk to, so I went along with things. And then he revealed that he works in a supermarket. Once again, this piece of information switched me off completely.
Why am I so judgemental and how can I overcome this? It seems that if I meet an educated professional man I find out something about his personal life which makes him unsuitable and vice versa; if I meet a never-married, similar-aged boy, I find out something about his education/career which leads me to write him off. Writing this down makes me realise that I've learned something about what I want in a partner through these experiences: someone perferably never married, with a decent education and career. But does such a person exist within my own religion and culture? Everyone has their red flags and in some ways I feel a sense of relief when something jumps out at me early on, but at the same time, by not giving a personality a chance, what am I missing out on? There are still lots of single guys out there but I can't help thinking that some of the attitudes we have carried forward from dating in our 20s just won't cut it in our early-30s.
The first was an investment banker, of the same ethnic origin, living in relatively close proximity to myself and looking for a serious relationship. So far, so good. That is, until I found out that he is 39 years old and recently divorced ,after separating from his wife at the age of 37. On hearing these two pieces of information, my flame of initial interest was immediately extinguished. Without meeting this man in person my mind had decided that he is no good and not to be pursued any further.
Onto number two.
Again, we share the same ethnicity and this time, similar age. My parents would say that's a good start. After exchanging text messages it became clear to me that his spelling and grammar leave a lot to be desired, but in an effort to overcome the snob in me, I agreed to chat. We spoke on the phone, he was friendly enough and easy to talk to, so I went along with things. And then he revealed that he works in a supermarket. Once again, this piece of information switched me off completely.
Why am I so judgemental and how can I overcome this? It seems that if I meet an educated professional man I find out something about his personal life which makes him unsuitable and vice versa; if I meet a never-married, similar-aged boy, I find out something about his education/career which leads me to write him off. Writing this down makes me realise that I've learned something about what I want in a partner through these experiences: someone perferably never married, with a decent education and career. But does such a person exist within my own religion and culture? Everyone has their red flags and in some ways I feel a sense of relief when something jumps out at me early on, but at the same time, by not giving a personality a chance, what am I missing out on? There are still lots of single guys out there but I can't help thinking that some of the attitudes we have carried forward from dating in our 20s just won't cut it in our early-30s.
posted by Machiavelli: The Princess @ 09:06
3 Comments
3 Comments:
Hi, why not marry an Indian of a different culture? What about Hindu Punjabi, Gujarati, Bengali? I often think if 3rd generation Indians will blur the boundaries between culture even further than today. I have the same problem finding a same partner (i'm a Hindu Bengali), they are a few and far between in this country. But now i'm open to all including Sikh's, it's not like the culture is so different is it? I wonder if your parents are not open to inter-caste marriage? I don't know how old you are but as you approach your 40's you'll have less must haves.
It's true, life is too short to be concerned about religion and culture, unless you are strict Sikh. You could be missing a lot of opportunities.
Thanks for your comments. I'm 31 years old and the more arranged dates I have the more I realise that I might not be able to find what I'm looking for within my specific cultural group.
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