Lost

"It's his loss"

If I had a pound for every time I've heard those three words over the last week, I'd be buying a Prada bag this weekend.

What nobody understands is that it's also "my loss". I so desperately wish someone would just say "I have the perfect solution to mend your broken heart".

Instead, I have been flooded with offers to hunt him down and give him a good hiding, given all sorts of analysis about how the punjabi culture raises pathetic men and told how I should count my blessings as I've had a lucky escape.

Despite my family and friends' best intentions, none of these have helped to lift my spirit.

I can't remember the exact moment my heart split in two, it's more like I was hit by a lorry traveling at high speed that came from nowhere and have been lying on the motorway ever since, watching the traffic go by while I wait for the will to get up.

When I opened my heart to him I didn't consider that I was giving him a license to break it just few months later.

It hurts.

The End

2014 was the year I grew up. (Well, at least that's what I imagine an older me will think when looking back at this year).

After eight years of dead end dating, I now find myself in a relationship, which goes some way towards explaining my absence from this blog for the past six months. Leaving the dating scene after what felt like a relentless battle has been an enormous relief for me (although I can't say with any certainty how long this reprieve will last).

So, this seems like a good time to end my dating blog (for now, at least) and look forward to the future.

Before I sign off I'd like to share some of what I've learnt this year:

1) There's no such thing as a perfect person or soul mate, timing is everything.
2) The ideal match doesn't have to be exactly the same as you - whether that's in relation to education, career, family, friends, hobbies or life experiences.
3) You don't have to 'know' that they are 'the one' on the first date.
4) Kindness, generosity and an open and caring nature are important qualities to look for in a partner.
5) Give people a chance (it's all to easy to get labeled as "fussy" if you're a single, Indian, thirty-something woman) but if after 2-3 dates you don't see any potential, move on.
6) Going to posh restaurants, bars, shows, etc. is nice for a time (if you're into that kind of thing), but you find out more about your relationship when you do boring things, like going food shopping.
7) A good relationship will seem to flow but it takes consistent effort from both parties to keep it going.
8) After an extended (and sometimes traumatic) single-hood, you are much more appreciative of a good person when you meet them.
9) Two single thirty-somethings can learn a lot from each others life experiences and the perspectives they bring.
10) Enjoy the moments, for none of us knows what the future holds.

I hope the above list is not so ridden with cliches that it offers nothing new to any single 30-somethings who might be reading this.

Happy New Year everyone! I hope 2015 brings you whatever you wish for xxx

What I know

The past 6 months have afforded me more dating opportunities than ever before in my 'man hunt'. Some of it has been fun, some of it frustrating, but one thing's for sure, I've reached June 2014 with a much clearer idea of what I need in a partner.

I now know what it's like to be wined and dined and taken to the most exclusive events in town - unfortunately by a sociopath. Sure, it's exciting at the time, but this experience left me without a warm glow of happiness. I've now met quite a number of superficial men who are in a rush to tick places off their 'to visit' list and in need of a vapid dolly to take along for the ride. I can't be that person. It doesn't matter where you are, company is everything and content is king.

In this new world of online dating and the endless possibilities it brings, I've also realised that everyone is disposable. At first I was hurt that the guy I had been on 4 dates with was still actively searching for girls online but then I realised that I obviously wasn't what he was looking for. He just didn't have the guts to tell me. I better keep searching too.

Multiple dating can be hard to manage, some people reveal very little about their intentions while others want a commitment after 2 dates. Decisions have to be made in an instant. Sometimes circumstances prevent a relationship from blossoming, but if you part on good terms, it can be surprisingly pleasant to hear from someone you met maybe once, a few months down the line, when the timing is just right for you...

If something seems too good to be true, it usually is

"Trust your instincts" said Sebastian. At this point he and Matilda had been on three dates, most recently dinner at a trendy brasserie followed by an evening at the Russian ballet gala.
On the walk to the theatre after dinner, Sebastian had unwittingly pulled Matilda into the path of an oncoming vehicle as they crossed the road. On seeing the vehicle, Sebastian violently pulled Matilda's arm back towards the pavement, continuing to pull for far longer than was necessary. As a sentient being Matilda was more than capable of removing herself from danger and felt perturbed at the force he had used.
They rushed on towards the theatre. Time was running out, there were only 5 minutes left until the show started; Sebastian still had to pick up the tickets. He sprinted off into the darkness, leaving Matilda to walk the shadowy side-streets of Covent Garden alone.
They reconvened at the theatre, just in time for the start. Sitting in the dress circle, Matilda turned around at intervals to gauge Sebastian's response to the performance, he had never been to the ballet before. Each time she turned, she found that his gaze was already fixed upon her. She felt uncomfortable. The interval came and Sebastian wanted to pick up a program, he asked Matilda if she'd like anything. She said no. He got up and instructed her, "don't go anywhere".
Matilda felt isolated in a theatre filled with hundreds of people.
There was something about Sebastian that made her uneasy, she had tried to ignore it on previous dates but now a red light was flashing brightly.
Nevertheless, Matilda enjoyed the performance as best she could, despite the company. The show ended and they walked on to the tube station. Matilda's stop couldn't come quickly enough, she told Sebastian that she was going to India for a few weeks and they made no arrangements to meet again.
Three weeks later, Matilda returned to the UK and was surprised to receive a phone call from Sebastian. He wanted to see her again. Matilda was reticent. He pressed her to come up with another idea for a date, since he had enjoyed the ballet so much. Matilda responded that she couldn't think of anything off the top of her head. He asked her to come up with something and let him know.
Matilda was busy juggling multiple deadlines and could not conceive an exciting plan for a date instead she suggested a walk in the park with a coffee, in order to get to know him better. He declined, this suggestion simply wasn't exciting enough. Matilda realised that Sebastian had no intention of getting to know her with a view to a long-term relationship, he was a serial dater looking for a quick fix.
There was something disconcerting about Sebastian, whenever they had been out he would attract the attention of passers by by speaking extra-loudly and making unsavoury comments. It was as if he had some personal sense of majesty, which was clearly one of many symptoms of a mental disorder worthy of classification in the DSM-IV manual. But worst of all was his stare; cold and calculating like a predator that's just caught sight of it's prey.
Matilda was the one that got away.
  

 

Less talk more action

"I wish I would wake up one day and find I'd been married to someone for six years" said Lata Mehra, one of the protagonists in Vikram Seth's voluminous novel, A Suitable Boy. I must say I've felt the same many times during my own journey for a suitable boy.

Like Lata's fictional life, 2014 has so far brought a continuous stream of suitors into my life and like Lata, I've narrowed it down to three options - who I have been seeing over the past six weeks. I can't remember a time when my evenings have been this occupied by dates, since I made my debut on the singles scene. There have been so many potentials that I've found myself talking to them solely so that I can set them up with other single girl's I know.

It's tiring but in the whirlwind of it all I have found myself too busy to be introspective or indulge in any 'pity parties' with other single friends or smug married types (something that was otherwise becoming a far too regular occurrence). So, I feel like someone has pressed 'play' on the movie that is my love life. At the moment I can't say I'm any closer to getting that ring on my finger but I've had a wonderful start to the year and hope my journey continues this way.

Faith is restored.

I think I'm dating a sociopath

At first I thought it was amusing. We met online, he quickly requested taking it offline. I asked for his name, he didn't respond. I refused to speak with him. He gave me a name for himself and a new one for me. So began the story of Sebastian and Matilda.

For their first date, Sebastian took Matilda to a trendy new establishment, greeting her with a Parisian double-air kiss. Matilda, not used to a blind date beginning that way, sensed that there was something different about Sebastian. From the moment he pulled out her chair, sat across from her and told her she was pretty, she knew he wasn't the average Indian guy.

He was thoughtful, asking her questions about her life, while being careful not to reveal too much about himself - other than what was necessary to continue the charade he was carefully creating. During the course of the evening, Matilda discovered that Sebastian was a highly educated and extremely confident lawyer, whose father had passed away when he was a teenager. He was cultured and well read and they talked for hours about the great works of Tolstoy, Seth, Aristotle and others. As the date came to an end, walking back to the station he sheltered her from the rain with his umbrella. On parting ways he suggested that they should eat together next time. Sebastian and Matilda would be meeting again, no question.

Matilda was in high spirits, "finally, I meet a man who knows what he wants", she thought to herself.

A few days later, Sebastian sent Matilda a text asking her availability for dinner the following week and for three of her favourite types of cuisine, in order to help him choose a restaurant that would be of her liking. Now Matilda is vegetarian and being the considerate gentleman that he is, Sebastian chose a vegetarian restaurant for their second date. Matilda was, unsurprisingly, impressed by this gesture and pleased that a man was courting her in the old-fashioned way. While they ate together Matilda subtlely tried to find out more about the mysterious and charming Sebastian. Alas, by the end of the evening she did not know his real name, where he lived or where he worked. She felt disturbed by this and pressed him for more information but he skillfully avoided revealing any details. By the end of the evening the only new insight she had gained was his fondness for French couture. As they parted he asked her to think of something she likes doing for their next date, kissed her twice and disappeared in a flash.

On the way home, Matilda realised that her initial excitement has been replaced by concern. Sebastian is egotistical, full of superficial charm, deceptive, practices intense eye contact and unable to be open. Is she just a character in this sociopath's game?

 


  

 

Despicable me

"I interviewed people for a job once, I was never asked to do it again. My boss and every single candidate complained about me, apparently I talked too much and didn't ask them any questions."

This was the opening line from Mr Me, who I was on a date with yesterday. I had spoken to him once on the phone and had found him to be somewhat self-absorbed but I thought I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and meet him for a coffee.

He was taller than I expected and skinny. We sat down in a little cafe and chatted, mostly about his favourite topic; himself. I kept waiting for him to ask me something but half an hour passed and nothing. So I started to interrupt his monologue with little anecdotes. He was oblivious. He was also not very interesting. I thought to myself that sometimes the people who talk the most about themselves are actually quite boring and probably insecure. Finally, he made an effort to engage with me and what did he say?

 "Hindu Punjabi's are not proper Sikhs"

Now, I thought that the average person would have enough social awareness to realise that Hindu's are not in fact Sikhs. What followed was a discussion on the difference between religion and culture; Mr Me was surprised to learn that being Punjabi is not a religious affiliation. Indeed, he was surprised to learn that Punjab is home to Sikhs, Hindu's, Muslims, Christians and probably other religions too.

 "Well you're just a fountain of knowledge aren't you"

Yes, I am.

And I am shocked that a 35-year-old could be so ignorant yet so sure of himself at the same time. They say that opinion breeds ignorance and in this case it was certainly true. Mr Me continued with his cultural theories on jatt's being the best, all Indian girls having alcohol problems, marrying out of caste being a crime and so on.

What surprised me the most was when he professed to being knowlegdeable about Sikhism. To prove himself he told me to ask him any question I liked about one of our 'prophets'. So, I asked him:

"What was the name of Guru Nanak's mother?" (First thing to come into my head, don't know why).

Met with a blank face.

"I don't know".

So it turned out he's not a proper Sikh and neither am I, but I have enough self-awareness not to make such claims in the company of a stranger. The date ended shortly afterwards.

 A couple of hours later I received a text from Mr Me:

"It was good to meet you but I'm gonna be honest and say I didn't feel enough of a connection for any long-term relationship, I sense you feel the same."

Yes, I felt the same. I replied saying that apart from religion and caste, I didn't feel that we had anything in common. He texted back

"I guess ticking the caste box doesn't mean its a match but hey ho".

Spot on, mate, well done.

I thought that was the end of it but awoke this morning to another text from him:

"Morning, hope your feeling refreshed today. Do you know I had this really bad nightmare last night. I dreamt I was talking to you and you put the phone down on me. I woke up so devastated this morning but thought hold on it was just a dream wasn't it? Anyway enjoy Friday".

This was swiftly followed by "Sorry text meant for someone else".

I was confused by the initial text but after reading the second, I responded:

 "That sounds horrific! Hope she doesn't hang up on you in real life :)"

That was the story of Mr Me, who clearly met me in the hope that I might be the good indian wife that he can take home to mummy. I couldn't have predicted the ending but this morning's text did make me smile.